Hello lovely readers,
As I sit here with my cup of 6pm coffee—sipping it slowly hoping it will keep me awake after a long day... i have a few things on my mind i thought worth sharing...
Today, I had to do the thing all mothers (and fathers) dread doing... I had to take my baby girl to the doctors to get her vaccinations. I chatted away to the doctor thinking up all possible questions for him to answer hoping it would string out the time a little longer for me to avoid the inevitable... After asking him to weigh her, check her hips, her temperature, her eyes, her length and her fontanel... i ran out of things for him to check... So I then asked about me (ha!)... Yet... the time came quicker than i hoped, and before i knew it he had pulled out two big needles ready to jab my precious one with. I secretly hated him and glared at him with resentment as he proceeded to get her ready to give her the shots. . . She was at the time laughing at me impersonating a duck (funny what we will do to get them to smile!)... And as he poked her with the needle... her dear little face turned from smiling to pouting and then the great almighty scream filled the surgery!
I had to hold myself back from the tears and kept calmly talking to her in soothing tones of reassurance that everything was going to be ok... For what seemed like forever, she was beside herself crying! In reality it was probably 3 minutes before she was smiling again—red faced and all.
My brave little girl.
As the afternoon slowly slipped into twilight I found myself gazing upon my sleeping beauty in my arms... and the thoughts began to play out in my mind...
Who will she grow up to be... where will this life take her... what paths will she walk.. What will be her destiny...?
As I was daydreaming away, I began to think of my own mother... and got a picture of her holding me... once small, helpless and new... did my mother have this moment... am i who she dreamed i would become..
Thinking about my own personal journey specifically from the age of 18... I started to feel deeply sorry for my mother (and father)... and thought to myself... how could i have done that to them!
What I am referring to is, when I was 18... I ran away from home. Yes I did have my reasons... at the time, i was big and brave and ready to spread my wings... but now i look back on it, they must have been terrified. Long story short, I lived away from my parents for a year... then came back... and ran away again...
But it’s this second time; I believe that put me on the path to where I have ended up today... I met my husband along the way... a journey of self discovery, independence, a longing to be free from the cotton wool that i had been wrapped in for years by my mum and dad...
I see now, that all they wanted to do was protect me from the big bad world out there- and no parent deserves to lose sleep at night wondering where their child is, and if they are safe..
I was selfish, a know it all, a show off, vein, a little lost... an adventurer, a dreamer, a creative soul, kind, immature, loving, hopeful and a romantic at heart.. Searching for my place in the world...
Then I met my husband
My journey with my husband has been long, it has been challenging, exciting, overwhelming at times, romantic and beautiful... And I have gained strength along that way in my character and who I am...
All the shit (excuse the French) we endure along our paths set us up to be stronger in the toughest of times ahead huh!
I think of all the things we have been through, the ups and downs the happiest of times and the deepest darkest moments in my life... and I look at my daughter and know that this life will bring her much the same.... Highs and lows, times of utter joy and other times of complete despair...
We have all big dreams for our children, and the hope that they will grow into incredible people. Yet we want to protect them and shelter them from life’s battles and storms...
As much as this is true, and as much as i will protect with my life.. I want my girl to LIVE... i want her to experience the amazing things this world has to offer...the good and (gulp)the bad too... Because I know, without the crap parts in life, we do not learn... without the bad parts, we do not grow as people... without the heartbreaks, the losses, the trials and tests that life throws our way we would not be the parents we are today..
A mother’s hope is that when their children get knocked down... they will get back up and be stronger next time.
I know that is what I have learnt... and hearing my mother’s words in a card she sent last week proves to me that although I may have not been the “perfect” daughter through the years... I know this one thing... she is proud of me... and of whom i am... And I can only hope and pray I can one day say the same about my daughter in years to come...
As parents it is our job now, to give our children the tools we have used through our years... to help them get through theirs... our job is to guide, not force.. Our job is to love them when they are being unlovable... to give them reassurance even if we aren’t sure they are making the right choices.. It’s our job to be there when they come back time and time again after making mistakes... it’s our job listen even when it is things we do not want to hear...to catch them when they fall..
Our children will be part of who WE are... there is no denying that. But I want my girl to be who SHE wants to be. No conditions. I will love her for whatever path she chooses.
And this is the incredible gift you get when you become a parent
- Unconditional love.
x
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